Leg 2 is almost… almost done. I think … but then I have thought that before – and Leg 3 starts next week. *Sigh*
In general things are looking up. I have been feeling better anyway. I wanted to write again, mostly to just let you know I am doing better. This last month or so has been a little rough.
I had an epiphany today. Maybe when one has a deadly disease, it maybe is okay to not feel great some days, even when you think you should be okay. I don’t feel good today. I wish I could have gone to church, but I just didn’t have the energy for it. We had a big day yesterday and I didn’t sleep well last night. This seems like it should be recoverable much more easily then it is for me today. But, as I thought about it, my body is carrying, even nourishing, something evil and bad. I have had a lot going on and have been under a significant amount of stress lately. Should I really be surprised that if I overdo, maybe my body can’t handle that so well right now? So, I am giving myself permission to feel yucky today. But I feel like I need to give an update, and I am hoping that it might make me feel better too. So here is what’s been going on the last couple of weeks: Continue reading “Leg 2 A Mixed Bag”
How does one get through a day like this? It started with me in fear of my own future as I looked forward to my first oncologist appointment. The middle of the day was great as I celebrated the encouraging news about my own future. Then…then…came the heartbreak…the call from her brother – his big sister, my oldest friend, had been hit by a car that afternoon – and had passed away.
The only thing I know to do now- is to try to share with you, who this woman was to me…. Continue reading “Ode to Lori – My Trusted Friend”
The Next Chapter
I never thought I would look forward to an appointment with an Oncologist. I hoped I would never have to SEE an Oncologist. Funny how perspective changes with your circumstance. I looked forward to this visit because I knew it was where I would get answers, it was where I could start my fight.
So, to back up a little. I had my CT scan. The results from that were not great, but not terrible either. The lymph glands around my colon were a little enlarged. Could be a problem, maybe not. Still, everything seems localized, so mostly good news. Continue reading “Second Leg”
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
When I first heard that I had cancer, one of my first thoughts was anger at God. I mean really God, I’ve been praying for a rest! We’ve had enough of life’s little challenges lately! A moment later though, I thought – “If I walk away from God – from my faith, now – what else do I have?” I quickly realized that without my faith in God and my belief that He has my back, He is with me, He loves me – then I would have no hope at all and nothing to support me through this journey. Faith is not about the good, easy times – it’s all about the rough, hard times. This is where the rubber meets the road and you either got it – or you don’t. Continue reading “Where the Rubber Meets the Road”
The Broken Heart Rock Goes on a new journey…
I had a teacher in high school who thought I was a quick study. I took 1st year Spanish, and the next year, she felt that my ability to grasp the language was so good she put me in 3rd year Spanish. It did not go well. Trips to the office, meetings with counselors and eventually the class was dropped. Apparently, God believes I am a quick study too. I hope we have better success this time. My life depends on it.
So, we left our story with me on a mountaintop. I had a wonderful meeting with God. He had taught me about surrender, how it felt to lay heartaches at His feet. Good lesson. Yay me. Well, like my high school teacher, He apparently thinks I got the lesson pretty well too. He is taking me from Surrender 101 to Surrender Eleventyseven01. I have been diagnosed with colon cancer. Surrender my WHAT????!!!! Continue reading “A New Journey”
I really did not know what to expect. I have not been to an event like this before. I do not really know anyone at Clear Creek that well. I was mostly scared honestly. I had hoped that I might make a friend, I had hoped that I might meet God there somehow, but was afraid to really hope too much for anything. But I went anyway, with a backup, run home plan for Saturday if it turned out to be just awful!
On Friday night, everyone was welcoming. I was thrilled to see that the subject would be “Surrender”. I knew this was an area that God has been working with me on. As we worshiped that night, I sat in my seat and cried. I thought, “God I love you so much, but there is a hardness, like a brick wall, that I can’t break through. I want to serve you, but I just keep hitting my head against this brick wall.” Tara then spoke about her kiddo who noticed that even the trees praise God as they wave their branches. Someone, I think Tricia, talked about how she felt like a rock, but if we didn’t praise God, even the rocks would cry out. I thought “This is how I feel, like a rock!” She described me! I also remember feeling relieved that maybe I was not the only one who felt so hard inside. The evening went on, we played games late and I laughed like I haven’t laughed in months, maybe years.
Saturday came. We had our quiet time and I tried to search for God, but didn’t really feel like I got very far. I did find a very nice scripture in Romans that applied to my fear, but still I walked away from it feeling more defeated than filled. That afternoon though, I went for another walk on the beach. I like to beach comb. I like to take things I have found and add them to the collection in my bathroom. I am a confirmed Beach-a-holic. I was actively searching for something that maybe God would have for me that would bring substance to my thoughts, or offer peace of some kind. I did not know what that might be. I saw a couple of pretty shells, perfect, unlike me. I found a pretty rock, I felt like a rock, but not a pretty one. I saved these, they were still nice. Then, I found a black rock, shaped like a heart with a crack in the middle, looking like an old scar. I kept this too. It was interesting, and maybe this WAS me. But I did not know how such a thing was going to bring me any peace. “Great, I am a broken heart rock! Thanks God!”
Now we come to Saturday night. Seemingly, almost from nowhere, Starla shares the song, “For All You Are” from Casting Crowns. I heard the words “I lay at Your feet, my broken heart and I’ll find my healing in your scars. All of me for all you are.” All I could think was, “Wow.” I began to get it! The words about “Surrender”. The questions about how that should look. It began to come together for me. Jesus was showing me, through my special rock and through this song and through the words of our gracious speakers, what, for me, surrender needed to look and feel like.
Sunday morning, as we worshiped, a picture that had begun the night before materialized more fully in my mind. The Cross of Jesus, bloodstains dripping from where is hands, feet and crown of thorns had been. My Broken-Heart-Rock at the foot of the cross, crying. Yet, even though there were tears, the Blood of Jesus was dripping. It would cover the blackness, it would heal the hurt.
As I drove home a little later Sunday. I stopped at a park. A place I had only been to with my family and my recently lost Mom. I began to cry, what I call a “Momma” moment hitting me. I heard Jesus’ voice reminding gently, “Remember Gloria, to lay your broken heart at my feet.” Jesus, in His incredible grace and mercy, even brought me to this place where I could feel and experience what it meant, what it felt like, for me and my heart, to lay the hurt down at His feet.
I needed wipers on my eyes as well as my windshield on that ride home. But they were cleansing tears and tears of joy for the amazing grace and love poured out to me from my Savior, through all that the ladies who planned this event did.
