Posted in Faith, Life Stories, My Cancer Journey

After…

We all have those times when we wonder where God is. Many of us, if not all of us, have felt deserted by Him at some time – or just always doubted His existence at all. The outcome of my surgeries, the fact of that being plural to begin with, left me feeling very abandoned.

I don’t want to dwell on the story, it’s not important. The end result was that I had to have a colostomy. The very thing I feared and prayed I would not have to have.

The real story is in the after – the weeks that have followed this life changing event. I felt so defeated. My faith was shattered. I felt alone. I did not feel good. I was weak. I cried every day. I was so tired, but dreaded sleeping because I would wake up so depressed. The worst was that I could not feel God’s presence. How could He leave me like this? So, really now, where was He? Does He exist? Am I a fool to believe?

Continue reading “After…”

Posted in Faith, My Cancer Journey, Surrender

Promises, Promises

Hello Friends and Family – Wow, what a ride this has been! I have been so blessed and so amazed that it is hard to know how to start to tell you all that is on my heart. So, I am in Leg 4 – Recovery from Treatment.

I guess first I should just begin with how I am physically. I went back to work this week. Time to get ready for the new school year and there is always lots of planning to do, but this year especially as I consider that I will not be here for some amount of time. I hit the ground running and have felt really well. My body seems, in many ways, to be healthier than before the chemo and radiation. My doctors are somewhat stunned at how well I did, and how I have recovered. There is a “BUT” though! But…I realized I MAY have overdone it a bit when Thursday afternoon came. About 1pm, I just couldn’t go no more! I ran and ran until I just couldn’t ran no more! I ran out of steam early on Friday too. So, I have tried to slow down a bit this weekend. BUT – I will be back at it tomorrow on Monday as I have another busy week ahead and still much to be done for school.

This coming week is exciting for a few reasons. I look forward to seeing more of a recovery and being able to run this race a little better this week. I have post-treatment PET CT scan scheduled for Tuesday. It will be exciting to see what God has truly done in healing me. Then I meet with my surgeon on Thursday to plan for my actual surgery. Finally, on Friday, we head out of town for a family vacation. I admit, I have been a little jealous of all the trips I have seen and heard everyone taking this year, while I have had to sit the summer out. But truly, I have been on a pretty amazing trip myself, as I realize all that God has done for me this season. Still, it will be nice to get away from home for a short time and just be a tourist.

What I am really excited to share though, is what I look forward to in the coming season. God promised to deliver me, and He has. I feel that so surely in how I came through treatment. My doctors have just been amazed at how well I have done. They do this every day – their surprise tells me something – I am a miracle!

But now there is the 3rd part of my grand plan – “You will glorify me” says God in my special verse, Psalms 50:15. Two months ago, I took that as an obligation. Something that I would be required to do. I worried that I would not be sufficient for the task, I would fail Him, after He had somehow delivered me. But now I realize, that even that is part of His promise. I WILL glorify Him. Not maybe, not try, not should – I WILL!!! Doesn’t He tell us “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.*”? So, although I may not be able on my own to fulfill this, He will bring it about by His grace and His strength, not my own. He will find the way for me to glorify Him, and by His abilities, it will happen. I don’t have to do a thing except be willing! He has a plan for my life and He will see me through to it.

So, even though there is still more to come, probably surgery for one, I have been looking at next steps. There are a few things on the horizon. I am excited about each and every one of them. I don’t want to discuss them, because they are just ideas and maybe’s right now. I don’t know which, if any, will come to fruition, but I am NOT worried. Here is another miracle. Maybe there is something I am unaware of, maybe I will never be conscience of how it is accomplished. It is much more to MY liking to find a goal and run head long into it – kind of a fool’s rush in, where angels fear kind of thing. But this time, from my lessons in surrender, I am so at peace with letting God lead where He will. I am excited and at peace at the same time. God is good. He has made a promise and kept it.  I KNOW I can trust Him with this as well.

Posted in My Cancer Journey

Leg 3 Treatment Begins!

Leg 3 – FINALLY!!!

Okay Friends, here we go! Treatment is scheduled to begin July 6th, this Thursday. I can’t foresee any reason this will not happen at this point. This means my first chemo and my first radiation therapy sessions will begin. Chemo is once a week; the radiation is every weekday. This will continue for 5-6 weeks.

I praise God that I, Miss Worrywart, am surprisingly calm. I am trying to just be positive about it all. It is simply the means to an end. I desire the end, so I have to accept the means.  God has been teaching me to take one day (or less!) at a time. I believe that will be key to getting through the difficult times ahead. I also think that ignorance might be bliss right now too!

Continue reading “Leg 3 Treatment Begins!”

Posted in My Cancer Journey

Leg 2 A Mixed Bag

I had an epiphany today. Maybe when one has a deadly disease, it maybe is okay to not feel great some days, even when you think you should be okay. I don’t feel good today. I wish I could have gone to church, but I just didn’t have the energy for it. We had a big day yesterday and I didn’t sleep well last night. This seems like it should be recoverable much more easily then it is for me today. But, as I thought about it, my body is carrying, even nourishing, something evil and bad. I have had a lot going on and have been under a significant amount of stress lately. Should I really be surprised that if I overdo, maybe my body can’t handle that so well right now? So, I am giving myself permission to feel yucky today. But I feel like I need to give an update, and I am hoping that it might make me feel better too. So here is what’s been going on the last couple of weeks: Continue reading “Leg 2 A Mixed Bag”

Posted in My Cancer Journey

Second Leg

The Next Chapter

I never thought I would look forward to an appointment with an Oncologist. I hoped I would never have to SEE an Oncologist. Funny how perspective changes with your circumstance. I looked forward to this visit because I knew it was where I would get answers, it was where I could start my fight.

So, to back up a little. I had my CT scan. The results from that were not great, but not terrible either. The lymph glands around my colon were a little enlarged. Could be a problem, maybe not. Still, everything seems localized, so mostly good news. Continue reading “Second Leg”

Posted in My Cancer Journey, Surrender

A New Journey

The Broken Heart Rock Goes on a new journey…

I had a teacher in high school who thought I was a quick study. I took 1st year Spanish, and the next year, she felt that my ability to grasp the language was so good she put me in 3rd year Spanish. It did not go well. Trips to the office, meetings with counselors and eventually the class was dropped. Apparently, God believes I am a quick study too. I hope we have better success this time. My life depends on it.

So, we left our story with me on a mountaintop. I had a wonderful meeting with God. He had taught me about surrender, how it felt to lay heartaches at His feet. Good lesson. Yay me. Well, like my high school teacher, He apparently thinks I got the lesson pretty well too. He is taking me from Surrender 101 to Surrender Eleventyseven01. I have been diagnosed with colon cancer. Surrender my WHAT????!!!! Continue reading “A New Journey”