This is a post I wrote prior to my first surgery – I am posting it months afterwards. I find it necessary to my story and interesting as I now know the outcome, and how God has worked it out, at least so far.
“Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”. Mark 9:23-24
This verse expresses where I am today. My surgery is scheduled for next Monday, October 2nd. God has been so good to me. He has brought me through so much. I think I hear Him say, “Gloria, when are you going to believe that I will deliver you? Have I not already shown you?” To which I must answer, “Yes Lord, you have. I am sorry, I believe…Lord, help my unbelief!” So, here is where I am….
The tumor is dormant and it’s time to get this thing out of me – for which I am VERY ready for! This last month of waiting has been very hard, and I’m going a little crazy wanting it to be done. At the same time – I’m scared to death! My particular big fear is having my gut opened up. It is the imagined pain of this that I am afraid of. So, I am having to face that. The tumor is in such a place that we cannot know ahead of time if it can be removed without requiring a permanent colostomy. These are the things that I am facing, that I am needing faith to believe will be okay.
Everything that God has done – every verse He has shown me – all that I believe I have heard Him say – points to this all being okay. The tumor will be removed, the pain will be tolerable, and I will be put back together for the natural order of things to work. I will be cancer free and make a full and natural recovery. But the mind asks, the spirit doubts –is this just my imagination telling me what I want to hear? But – everything that God has done – every verse He has shown me – all that I believe I have heard Him say – points to this all being okay. That is what I am holding onto.
I will be so glad to be done with this! I will be so glad when I can speak of things besides myself and this journey. But I am thankful. You know the Footprints in the Sand poem? Have you heard the version that asks about drag marks in the sand? That is me. God has dragged me down this path, I have not gone willingly! But the neat thing about that is this – if He has been dragging me, then I have not been alone!
