I had an epiphany today. Maybe when one has a deadly disease, it maybe is okay to not feel great some days, even when you think you should be okay. I don’t feel good today. I wish I could have gone to church, but I just didn’t have the energy for it. We had a big day yesterday and I didn’t sleep well last night. This seems like it should be recoverable much more easily then it is for me today. But, as I thought about it, my body is carrying, even nourishing, something evil and bad. I have had a lot going on and have been under a significant amount of stress lately. Should I really be surprised that if I overdo, maybe my body can’t handle that so well right now? So, I am giving myself permission to feel yucky today. But I feel like I need to give an update, and I am hoping that it might make me feel better too. So here is what’s been going on the last couple of weeks:
It been a time of very mixed emotions. Being in Leg 2 of the journey – planning and prepping part – isn’t too bad. The fear is less, because now I know, and now it is being taken care of. Things are moving along, sometimes slower than I would like, but moving none the less. I had a minor surgery to implant a port for the chemo to be administered. I FINALLY got my MRI. The insurance didn’t need a referral, but didn’t bother to tell my doctor’s office that, so we waited a week for nothing. I still have one more scan that my Radiation Oncology doctor wants, and then the week of June 26th, I expect to start Leg 3 – the treatment.
On the other hand. The day that I wrote my last update, was the day that I lost my oldest friend. My very best friend from my childhood was struck by a car and killed. I had been miffed at her for not responding to my post about my cancer, thinking that she, of all people, would see, and care, and come to my side! That same fateful day, June 2nd, I discovered she had sent a comment to my blogpost that I just had not seen. She had been exactly the friend I knew her to be – but I never got the chance to tell her that. Her funeral was this last week – and I can’t tell you this without the tears coming again! She was the closest thing to a sister I had, and I had to say good-bye.
I also made the discovery that there is a very exclusive club out there. It is the club for cancer victims and their families. I find myself being admitted into it, and that has felt very strange. I find that when people discover I have cancer, if they too have some experience with it, they open up immediately about it and share it with me. It is mostly a good thing. They encourage and inform. They offer to pray. I have only had a couple of comments that I think could have gone unsaid. But they were made with good intentions, so not too hard to forgive. I am finding a personal support group, and that is definitely a good thing. I am grateful for the people opening themselves up to be a part of that for me. The other thing is that now I have physical scars. My life IS changing. Like not being able to overdo, without paying a higher price. I don’t sleep well anymore, and at least for the moment, some articles of clothing can’t be worn. My schedule is busy and revolves around medical appointments. All in all – it’s just becoming very REAL.
So, please forgive me not being as humorous and plucky as I like to be. I know this will not be fun. I expected a time to come when keeping up a brave show might be hard. That’s why I said I wanted to be honest here. This time just came a little sooner than I expected.
