Where the Rubber Meets the Road
When I first heard that I had cancer, one of my first thoughts was anger at God. I mean really God, I’ve been praying for a rest! We’ve had enough of life’s little challenges lately! A moment later though, I thought – “If I walk away from God – from my faith, now – what else do I have?” I quickly realized that without my faith in God and my belief that He has my back, He is with me, He loves me – then I would have no hope at all and nothing to support me through this journey. Faith is not about the good, easy times – it’s all about the rough, hard times. This is where the rubber meets the road and you either got it – or you don’t.
These weeks have been hard. The fear has been nearly crippling. Your mind goes to the worst places. I have worried about the future for my children, for my husband. I have been scared about what I would have to face personally, and alone. I have had to take pills to sleep, because a couple of hours into sleep, I would wake up in the middle of an anxiety attack. My body has decided to hurt everywhere, and of course my mind believes it’s all cancer, everywhere! Not the least scary is the realization that I have not really faced anything yet. My fear is all about supposition and imagination – I don’t even really know what is ahead of me, or how hard and scary the reality of the fight is going to be. It’s all in my mind.
Not sounding like I have much faith, does it? But it is these things that takes me to my knees, has me calling to my friends, “Please pray.” It has me searching His word, and listening for encouragement in a worship song. These things usually end with me praising and in peace. I was so amazed last night as I experienced a completely worry-free evening and night. Nothing in my circumstance or knowledge had changed. It was simply the prayer of friends. But this is what faith is. This is faith in action. It is taking your fears, your anger even, taking it to God and saying “I can’t do this!”, and then letting Him handle it.
When things are going well, and life is sailing along, it is easy to not feel the need for these things. But when trials hit – you have a choice to make. Faith is about that choice. I was sharing with friends that I did not have much faith, but one sweet lady said in her prayer for me – “She says she doesn’t have enough faith, but she’s holding on to you – she DOES have faith!”
The faith that I have professed is being tested. It is a hard test. I have a choice to make. I walk away and it all counts for nothing, and I am on my own. I can choose to believe God’s word. I can choose to rely on the experiences of my past when God has shown His love and care for me. I can choose to hold on for all I’m worth. This is the choice I am making. The rubber has met the road. Where will it take me? Let’s wait and see!
